TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*