Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
You Might Also Like
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.