teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem