american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Do not steal food from the science building!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“I FIXED IT!”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan