Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Kids: Stay in school.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale