TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
all i鈥檓 saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don鈥檛 understand you as a person
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅 Easy assemble?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I needed a laugh this morning.
I can鈥檛 believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I鈥檓 raising Mr. Krabs