Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.