Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“No way.” -Jose
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.