TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
2023 was just a warmup
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.