TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.