*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My brain is a bad influence on me
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.