TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm