TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
What?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet