teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You Might Also Like
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.