teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.