TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run