Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
spot the difference
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
May never get over this
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.