Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Breaking news:
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo