TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.