teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Squirrels before girls.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
The Book. The Movie.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Cats are still liquid.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*