1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Succinctly put.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup