“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately