Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*pokes sex life with a stick
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.