Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?