Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!