Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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black phone good
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.