TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I can’t stop watching this.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name