TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch