Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.