I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
a god among men
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
WTF
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item