teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
😂😂