@squidswards: Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
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@SocialExtortion: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background
@trojansauce: [getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie
@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.