@squidswards: Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
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@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
@trojansauce: ME: *vaping* FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen? ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
@awkwardphilippe: [creating humans] God: They will have a powerful immune system Assistant: Boring God: ok some will die from eating a peanut A: Nice, nice