[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
love it when they get my name right