@squidswards: Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
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@murrman5: [senses date is losing interest in me] "my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine"
@JazzJazzybc: I always said I'd never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.
@QwertyJones3: "Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family." "WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"
@joerogan: There's an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.