If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
i dont have time for this
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed