8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
brian had himself a morning…
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.