Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.