Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Home is where your toilet is.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?