Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong