*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.