*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i really liked this one
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
United Steaks of America
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second