@Just__J0: Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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@DranoRaul: People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it
@ChipKellysBalls: Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
@evidentlyblonde: When people ask me "plz" because its shorter than "please".. I just tell them "no" because its shorter than "yes."
@1InTheStinker: The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.