Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Respect
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…