@Just__J0: Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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@Terdoh: My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"
@bmarked21: Don't expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that's when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
@DaddyJew: Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
@PaperWash: doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good ... Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password