Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
you will never know the true number of layers
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I hate everything
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells