(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.