[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
fly smarter, not harder
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?