(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
You Might Also Like
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car