teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
twitter users today:
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral