[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
#damn
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.