If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging