[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My beach vacation Google searches
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I don’t hate children, just yours.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.