[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
😜
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!