[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.