Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
❤️🦆
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”