Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I have so many questions.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”