@stephpaulus: Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor's house is genius.
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@Phook75: The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
@DaddyJew: I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo
@TySmithdrums: When I'm at a bar with my cousin she doesn't think it's funny when I yell 'BUT HE'S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!' every time the music dies down.
@imasmartass37: I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back. It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.