God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Those are good neighbors.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.