@stephpaulus: Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor's house is genius.
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@MarcusTheToken: I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
@KyleMcDowell86: My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
@jamespianka: My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.